The Result of Tonks's Extreme Boredom
by Helena Valentine
Summary: Tonks, Sirius and Remus make a strange discovery on one boring afternoon. This discovery might even be distracting enough to stope Sirius from drinking, Remus from reading, and Tonks from building wax mountains... rated T for safety, OotP
1. How it all Happened

"Oh. The candles again. How wonderfully unexpected." Sirius Black muttered darkly as he slouched into the kitchen, his dark glare directed at the green-haired form of Nymphadora Tonks. She sat slouched in a kitchen chair, a candle stick held sideways over a slowly growing mountain of multicolored wax.

"What is that?" Remus asked from his own chair, never lifting his gaze from the paper spread out on the table in front of him.

Sirius glanced down at the crimson bottle in his hand, the date and brand hidden by a skin of dust. "Juice. It's juice, Moony. Juice that is good for the soul."

Rolling his eyes, Remus finally stared his friend in the face. "Padfoot, haven't you been drunk enough already in the past week?"

"Drunk? Who said anything about drunk? This is _juice_ Moony, juice that has been blessed by the mystical grape bunny who controls time and age. This will not make me drunk. This _juice_ will make me _happy_." He said dully, sniffing the cork and wincing.

It was at this moment that Nymphadora Tonks leapt to her feet, her eyes wide. The candle dropped into the still liquid center of her mountain of wax and the flame sputtered out, a smoky trail rising up and vanishing just before the young auror's suddenly fierce face.

"What?" Lupin asked after a moment, staring blankly at her.

"It's Saturday."

"So?"

"Remus! Sat-ur-day!" She shook her head and stared at him in a look akin to desperation, her eyebrows almost vanishing into her hairline.

Lupin looked quite blankly back at her, a faint flush appearing in his cheeks as she continued to stare expectantly at him. Sirius however had slumped down in his chair with an even deeper scowl then before.

"It's Saturday night, and we're sitting around making wax volcanos and reading the paper and getting drunk!" She cried, flinging her arms up in the air.

"Well,you could go out and get a date, it's all jolly well for you _Nymphadora_, but in case you've forgotten, I'm locked up in this hell-hole until Merlin knows when." Sirius replied snarkily, tearing the cork away with his teeth. "And besides, getting drunk is what normal people do on Saturday nights, anyway."

Tonks stared exasperatedly at him, shaking her head. "I don't mean we should go out, Sirius. I mean we should do something interesting! We can't turn into boring old coots who eat cottage cheese on untoasted bagels and... read the paper and build wax volcanos! We have to do something! We must be active, be original!"

Sirius and Remus exchanged a look.

"Nymphadora, don't you think that perhaps you're... being a tad dramatic?" Lupin started just as Sirius responded with "Ha, you just mentioned reading the paper and wax mountains, getting drunk is still young and hip."

Tonks glared at both of them, a familiar look of determination hardening in her features.

It was at this moment that quite suddenly and unexpectedly the wax volcano began to melt, wax erupting in a smoldering rainbow and the uneven shape begining to swirl into a pool of scalding liquid.

With a final great shiver, the mountain collapsed. Lupin leapt upwards just in time, gripping Tonks by the elbow and pulling her back as the hot wax spilled over their chairs. Sitting on the plate where Tonks's wax volcano had just been was a shiny, sparkly new laptop.

There was a long pause during which everyone simply stared incredulously at the computer before Sirius suddenly broke it with a shake of his head before studying the just-uncorked bottle.

"Funny, I'm drunk, but there's still lots of liquor, and I don't feel drunk. I like half of that truth..."

"What just happened? What's that?" Lupin asked in an almost frighteningly flat tone, still staring blankly at the place where the wax mountain had just been. Then, with the air of a man trying to find his bearings turned to Tonks and asked "Did you just do that?"

"No... it's a laptop." She said. There was a look of complete awe on her face, her eyes practically glowing as they stared down at the computer before her.

Lupin frowned. He had never been jealous of an object, and this certainly wasn't the way to start...

Wait, what the bloody hell was he thinking about? Something weird and impossible had just quite suddenly happened. Even more weird and impossible then what normally happened in his life, and this time inexplicable.

"My uncle on my da's side has one, uses it for work. He's a felly-marketer or something." She said before slowly taking a small step forwards. Lupin's hand shot out and grasped her elbow.

"Nymphadora, no, don't touch it." He said.

She pulled her arm away without even looking at him, sitting down in her seat which had at some point mysteriously shed it's coat of molten wax. With shaking fingers, Nymphadora Tonks slowly lifted the screen of the notebook. Her face washed over with the hazy blue of computer light before the glow brightened, a website automatically appearing in front of her.

Surprise flitted across her face and she squited at the screen. Sirius joined her around the table after a moment, leaning forwards just as Lupin did, all of them staring at the message on the computer:

**Hello Remus, Tonks, and Sirius fans! Today we are presented with a unique and fabulous opportunity, a blessing handed to us in the form of our three favorite characters being bored! Summoning the portal to our world (the portal being the internet) through their sheer boredom, our heros now find themselves here to answer our questions. Your question can be anything from 'If you were to die tomorrow via drapery, what would you do today?' to 'Which ice cream would you most like to wear?' Ask away, most loyal fans!**

"What. The. Shit." Sirius said conversationally, taking a swig of the dark liquid.

Lupin frowned, his brows knitting together. "It knows our names... how does it know our names... and what... this sounds bad..." He slowly reached for his wand, standing tall and flitting his brown eyes suspiciously around the room

"Don't worry about it, Remus. My Mum's pen-pale Frodo had this happen to him once." To Lupin's great shock, he realized Tonks was attempting to hide a rather smug smirk. "It just means you're very interesting! Oh, look, there are questions already!" Tonks said excitedly, pointing to a small counter at the top of the page. The counter remained the same for a long moment as he stared at it, but after a moment it quickly changed from '2' to '3'.

"If I were to die via drapery tomorrow, I would remind Harry of the present I gave him. Don't think he's opened it yet..." Sirius said thoughtfully.

Shaking his head, Lupin stared blankly down at the machine Tonks was now seated in front of. "Nymphadora, this is ridiculous! Are you even thinking about how this makes absolutely no logical sense?"

"That's what's nice about it, Remus. There are too many fanfictions about us that are incredibly angst-ridden." She said sadly. The last part of this sentence he found he couldn't really grasp, and it slipped through his conscious thought almost unnoticed. "Oh, and don't call me Nymphadora! It's Tonks! I actually forgot to remind you for a while." Tonks added.

Despite the fact that logic in the world around him was melting away faster then Tonks's mountain of wax, Lupin couldn't help but smile slightly at the familiar response.

"Hey, there's one for me!" Sirius said with too much enthusiasm, almost thumping the bottle into the back of Tonks's head as he lifted his arm in the air joyously.

And so it began...

Writer: Alright, keep in mind, I wrote this at 5 in the morning. This is just an idea I had when I started wondering about my three favorite characters (yes, JK Rowling does in fact hate me) and what they could have been doing during the time when there were no order meetings. I think we can pretty safely say that Tonks spent a lot of time with them (at least Remus), or else the proceedings in the 6th book would not make much sense. Unless of course Tonks doesn't actually love Lupin and only wants him for his vast fortune. I'm guessing not though.

Ok, so here's how this works: In a review, the reader can send in a question. Once I get perhaps 10 questions (most likely less, I don't expect to get many) then I will write a new chapter that will be the characters responding to the questions in a short scene that may or may not include a definite answer. Who needs a definite answer though when you've got Lupin, Tonks, and Sirius all surfing the internet! ANY questions are appropriate, though curse words will be replaced with a series of nonsensical symbols and I will not answer exceedingly inappropriate useless questions. So yeah, not any question is appropriate.


	2. 4 Questions Long answers

Writer: As some of you may have noticed, there are not ten questions here. I could wait for them, but I have the responses to the lovely ones I have here now. I'm going to write a new chapter though, so if you think of a question while reading these, go ahead and send it in.

**Remus and Sirius: are you two just friends, or are you something more? Hint: that "hug" you two shared at the shrieking shack could have been more than just friendly if you know what I mean.**

Tonks finished reading, turning to face Remus and Sirius with a strangely unreadable look on her normally revealing face. "What hug?" She asked slowly.

"Why do people always think that about me?" Glancing over in surprise, Tonks realized that Lupin actually looked angry, a muscle jumping in his jaw. He rose, his face stony, and began to pace in a small rectangle, spinning sharply at each turn.

"Yeah!" Sirius said in half-bored agreement, taking another swig of wine. "Just that one time in Hogwarts, and now everyone thinks we're off to have little man-preg Baltos or something. Unbelievable, really..."

"Wait... what?" A line of worry had sunken in Tonks's forehead.

"I mean, I know I like chocolate and sugary tea and am generally mild mannered, and I know that there's even that crude joke about 'monthly problems' but that does not mean I'm gay!" Lupin was nearly shouting now, jutting a fist into the air with each point he made. He appeared to have not heard Sirius, who was still taking great gulps of the wine as though it really was merely juice.

"So wait... just let me get this straight here, no pun intended. Remus, you aren't gay... right?" Tonks asked slowly. Her face flushed uncharacteristically as she met his eyes.

"No!" Remus said, much too quickly. A bit of color rose in his own cheeks and a small smile flitted across his face. "No, I'm not gay, Nymphadora." After a moment though the smile slid off easily as oil and he stared rather uncomfortably down at her. "Wait... have you been thinking I am?"

"I was kind of hoping not..."

"This is adorable and everything, but perhaps we could move on to the next question. I'd love to hear more about my sexuality with Moony. Hm, that sounded even more dirty then it was supposed to..." Sirius said, nudging Tonks lazily with his bare toes and tilting his head and the bottle back to take another gulp.

"Yeah!" Tonks said, her cheeks still lightly flushed. "Merlin knows I have no problem with being gay, but for now lets just leave it to Dumbledoor!" Tonks said brightly.

"And Moony and me in Hogwarts during 7th year that one time."

"Dumbledoor's not gay..." Lupin responded in confusion to Tonks's statement before realizing Sirius's at the same moment as Tonks did. He glowered at him over her shoulder as she stared blankly at Sirius before shaking her head and dismissing it as drunken nonsense.

**What would each of you consider the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend?**

"These are rather personal questions, aren't they?" Remus asked slowly, frowning.

"I would want Moony as my ideal boyfriend." Sirius said in all seriousness. Or rather Siriusness, anyway, considering afterwards he let out a loud, bark-like laugh at the look on his friend's faces. "Come on, let's throw them a bone. Bones are generally wonderful things to throw to make good people happy."

"I would want someone not like me at all. Someone who's exactly the opposite. I've dated people _exactly_ like me before, and it ended badly. _Way_ too much drama and emotional unpredictable-ness." Tonks said thoughtfully.

"That what it's like when two woman have a relationship?" Sirius asked sarcastically.

"Yes." Tonks said without a trace of humiliation.

There was a silence. "Wait," Lupin asked slowly, raising and eyebrow. "You're... gay?"

"Not any more then you are." Tonks responded with a flash of a smile and something almost like... a growl?

Sirius let out a howling laugh. "Well, that answers the question. Moony, what about you? Which one of us do you choose?"

Lupin shook his head exasperatedly as he thought, the smallest of rather dopey smiles pulling slightly at the corner of his mouth. "Well... I suppose my _girlfriend_ would be someone smart and funny... perhaps a bit unpredictable in case things get boring... someone happy..."

"Oh sweet Merlin, you two are going to go to Madame Puddyfoots and connect immediately in a long, fluffy conversation of 'no, I love you more' and then get married and have a whole array of multicolored little werewolf cubs named very very normal names and then I'll have to babysit them in my Padfoot form so I wont get bitten and turn into a multicolored werewolf and I'll teach them the ways of the pack and train them to be dogs and not wolves and use their multicolored powers for good and not evil and-"

"Alright, alright, shut up Sirius!" Remus said, his face beet red as he nearly leapt upwards slightly, moving his hands in an almost awkward shushing motion. Sirius laughed again, turning back to Tonks.

"Well then, what's the next one?"

**Tonks, if you could do one thing to Sirius while he was tied up (with a muzzle on), what would you do??**

"Remus, I'm so sorry, she tied me up and put a muzzle on me! I didn't mean to cheat!" Sirius cried in mock horror, putting the back of his hand to his brows, eyes closing dramatically. The effect was ruined slightly when he blindly lifted the wine bottle, sloshing the ruby liquid inside as he brought it to his lips and took a swig.

"What the bloody hell to these people think we're doing all day?" Remus asked shakily, pulling back from the computer as though scalded. Tonks however seemed to be seriously considering the question, staring at the man in question like a critict examining a painting.

A single dark brow on Sirius's hallowed face rose in bemusement, and he attempted to exchange a look with Remus. His friend however appeared quite distracted with the seriousness that Tonks was taking this question.

"Er... Nymphadora, perhaps... I mean, it's a vastly inappropriate question, everyone will understand if you don't answer it." Lupin said, attempting a comforting smile that resulted in a rather nervous twitch.

Turning her head to the side, she continued to stare unabashedly at Sirius before responding slowly. "I don't really get it, you know?"

"What?" Said Sirius incredulously, letting out a roucsious snort. "Do you want a demonstration, and then we'll just see what happens? Granted it would cure my boredom, but I promise you, disaster would be sure to follow."

"What do you mean, disaster would be sure to follow?" Tonks asked, taken aback.

"That barish beast called drama would most certainly rear it's ugly head. And then there's the fact that Teddy would be very upset about never existing, because I assure you my rougish charm would woo you away from... other charmers."

"Wait... who's Teddy?"

"That toy bear on the couch upstairs. I am convinced he wouldn't exist if you and I were to engage in certain activities, I don't know why. Could possibly have to do with my drunken world I now live in." Sirius said thoughtfully. He stared at the wine for a moment before shrugging and taking another swig.

All this time Lupin had been glaring lividly and unnoticeably at Sirius, but at the last statement he frowned, tilting his head to the side in consideration. "You know, Teddy is a nice name."

"But what I don't get is, do I hate Sirius? Do I love Sirius? Do I want to have hot mad sex with Sirius? Am I even female in this hypothetical universe?" Tonks questioned.

"It's supposed to be you personally. So yes, if you personally would like to have hot mad sex with me, then answer the question that way." Sirius said, grinning at her.

Tonks frowned, running over the options in her head. Suddenly, her face lit up. "But wait, in a normal universe, Sirius wouldn't be strapped down to a chair with a muzzle!"

Both Sirius and Remus looked as though they perhaps wanted to disagree with this assumption, but Tonks continued before either could speak. "So this must be a _parallel_ universe!" She grinned smugly, eyes bright with discovery. "So yeah, clearly I don't know what other universe me would do, so I can't answer the question. You'll have to ask Arodahpmyn Sknot, who enjoys being called by her first name."

"Alright," Lupin said, eyes widening and the corners of his mouth twisted lightly into a suppressed smile. "Let's continue with our vastly inappropriate questionnaire."

**Okay, here's one for all three of them:  
If you were all to be inappropriately killed off at one point or another at the end of the series, causing extreme heartache to your fans, would you be a bit more careful?  
I miss Lupin...**

"What?" Lupin said, looking up.

"Well, Merlin knows I'm not going to die anytime soon," Sirius said dully, staring into the swirling depths of his wine. "What with being stuck up in this hole all day." It disturbed Remus how upset he seemed at the prospect of not dying...

"Never." Tonks said abruptly in an fiercly ferocious voice. Lupin turned to stare at her in surprise. Her face, normally held in a cheeky grin, and suddenly turned to stone. Something almost violent was engraved in her expression, the way she held her chin and the stoniness of her eyes. She turned and looked both of them squarely in turn. "If I die, I die. If I knew for sure that I was 'doomed', not much would change inside my head. I wouldn't be able to survive having just sat at home doing _nothing_ when people I love were in danger and doing all the fighting anyway."

There was a long silence after she had finished talking, the look still and frozen in her features.

"Well," Sirius finally said, "that was certainly dramatic. I'll drink to that though!" He lifted his wine bottle, the light catching the curve of it and throwing the faintest green flicker across Sirius's hallowed face.

Tonks smiled, breaking the stone face that had been there before and laughing as Sirius took more then just a small drink from the bottle.

"You're always drinking, Sirius. It's not good you know." She said, still chuckling.

Grinning wickedly at her, Sirius took another great gulp before speaking. "I do not _always_ drink, Tonks. You just happen to come visit at the end of the day, which is my time for my special juice to go down in this jug here." He said, slapping his stomach and letting out a short bark of laughter.

Remus said nothing, his gaze trained on the computer screen. The lines of his face seemed to darken, his lips pressed into a thin line. The last line of the question seemed to have been forgotten. He didn't even bother to answer the first part.

Writer: Well, that ended on a lovely note...

I know this is supposed to be purely humor, and Merlin (ha, I said Merlin instead of God) knows we need some with these three characters, but that last question just seemed to deserve some amount of seriousness. For Siriusness however, look down.

"But then again, who says we're going to die?" Sirius added, slapping Remus on the shoulder. "Technically we are creatures of the imagination. Even if some horrible twist of fate later dooms us all, we are not technically dead to the reader until the words are read, and the reader her/himself can choose not to believe those words. Just look at that thing on Fred on deviantart.

At this moment, a strange person who writes fanfiction leapt up out of the computer, arms spread wide and a look of joy on her face. "Choose not to believe!" She shouted.

All three applauded happily, and Tonks laughed with the three-year old Teddy whom she and Remus had raised and would continue raising.

More funny (hopefully funny) answers to your apparently incredibly inappropriate questions happen when... get this... you send them in! Via reviews. Or, if you can't think up a question and are really that uncreative, don't send one in. But then everyone will point at you as you read by, and they'll say "Look there, that's the number on the stats list who doesn't review and leave questions for the new chapter! They're such a non-question leaver!"

Well then. I'm scaring myself. Sorry if any of you take offense to my madness...


	3. More Questions More Answers

"Well, lets get on with it then." Sirius said, breaking the silence. Tonks shook her head, her eyes unclouding as though coming out of a reverie and then leant forwards, scrolling down to see the next question.

**What do you consider to be the most important hour in your life and why?**

"Well," Lupin said darkly, "I suppose mine would be when I received my werewolf bite." There was a silence, and then Remus shook his head, smiling awkwardly as if trying to make it out as a joke.

"You know, you're a bit obsessed with that." Tonks said, raising her eyebrows.

"What?"

"Yeah Moony, it gets a bit boring, actually. It's like it runs your entire life sometimes." Sirius replied dully.

"Wha... well, it said most important hour... I'm not going to lie." Remus said, eyes trained fixedly on the computer screen after a moment of looking almost incredulously at his friend.

There was a short silence after this before one word was muttered almost uninteligably under Sirius's breath.

"_Emo..."_

Lupin turned, a single eyebrow raised. "Emo? Honestly Padfoot, are you going to start saying other words like that anytime soon?" It was at this point that Remus gave a rather fearsome impersonation of a 12 year old girl at a Disney Concert. "OMG! He's so totally Emo!"

It was incredibly out of character for him, but he was tired, so it was alright.

"Well. Ok then. I'm just going to pretend that didn't happen." Tonks said after a moment. She shook her head. "Anyhoo, my most important hour was when I was 11, and these kids were trying to throw me in a lake and I was telling them to stop. They said they wanted to see what color's I would turn if I was trying not to drown."

Lupin made some sort of gruff noise in the back of his throat, and Sirius simply stared at her with an incredulous look on his face. She continued in the same cheery, almost dismissive way she had spoken before.

"So while I was in the water, I saw this half sucked-on lollipop on the shore. It was pink, and it had that crummy flaking paper end and the little shapeless nub with bubbles on the inside. And then, that's when it happened..."

She stopped speaking, a fond look on her face as the thought back, and was finally interrupted from her day-dreaming only when Sirius gave an exaggerated clearing of the throat with an abundance of gurgling and harsh barking. She blinked, dazed, and smiled at them.

"That's when it happened- I decided I wanted to be like a lollipop."

The silence that came next was far from expectant or horrified like other silences they had before as a result of questions and answers. To Remus Lupin, it was more an awkward wondering of what in Merlin's name to say next. The feeling was apparently not mutual between Remus and Sirius however, as a moment later the other man burst into peels of yapping giggles.

"You know... the color." Tonks added, a hint of that very color staining the rise in her cheeks. She grinned happily though, looking at Sirius with an amused twinkle in her eyes. "Well, it was also the day I realized I wasn't going to let bullies bully me anymore, which I suppose is more important. But I have to say, whenever I look back, it's mostly that lollipop sitting on the shore that I see."

After a long moment of overly-exaggerated laughter, Sirius finally recovered, wiping at his eyes and still snorting occasionally.

"I'm sorry about what happened when you were small, it must have been awful to be bullied for-"

Tonks cut Remus off, grinning fondly at him and patting his head like he was a wining pet. "Don't worry about it Remus, concentrate on the pink lollipops of life!"

"That," Sirius said in all seriousness, "should be a song."

Tonks smirked happily before asking "So Sirius, what was your most important hour so far?"

Lupin tensed, sensing disaster. He turned rather sharply to Sirius, gouging his reaction. Sirius however was simply smiling back at his little cousin, though there was something almost bittersweet in the way he spoke and how his eyes seemed to glitter. "There's too many of them for me, and not just the obvious ones. Quite a few Werewolf Bite style ones, quite a few lollipops." He took a slow drink of the wine, eyes studying the grain of the table and picking at an upright splinter of wood.

In a moment the mood was gone, taken off like clothing as Sirius grinned up at them boisterously. "Ah well. At least I'm well rounded. A little bit of emo, a little bit of unpredictableness. Though a lot more of the second, really... sorry Moony."

**What do you like to see most in a story, or what do your favorite stories have in common--and do you try to work these things into your own stories?**

"Funny-ness!"

"Character development."

"Sex."

Lupin and Tonks both glared shrewdly at Sirius, who grinned broadly and slung an arm around Remus's thin neck. "With Moony, right? That's what I'm saying! That's what makes a good story!"

"Really Sirius, the joke is getting old."

"I can't help it! They're just so fun and so easy to please... non cannon folk, quite different from ourselves..."

"What are you talking about? What do you mean by 'cannon?" Tonks asked shrewdly.

"Unrealistic and definitely didn't happen in the story. Though a few of them may have hit the nail... eh, anyway, I mean like what's happening now." Sirius explained.

"It's more believable then man-preg."

"There's nothing wrong with what people believe!" Tonks shouted.

"Well then, let's move on to 'What do your favorite stories have in common?'" Remus said lightly, not even trying to disguise the change in subject. Grudgingly, Tonks followed. Infuriatingly, Sirius looking completely nonplused.

"Right. Ok then, what is a funny, sexy book with great character development?" Sirius asked, looking expectantly at Remus.

Lupin frowned for a moment before sitting up, revelation coming over his features. Revelation apparently proved false rather quickly though, as he sat back down again frowning with a line burrowing between his eyes.

After another silence, Tonks finally spoke. "Did Dorian Grey ever have sex?" She asked.

"Yes, but it doesn't count. They didn't tell us anything." Sirius said sullenly.

"There's... well no, that doesn't have..." Lupin's frown lines deepened.

"The Twilight series in funny sometimes, and I hear there's sex in the end." Tonks said hopefully.

"The Twilight series," Lupin stated in disgust, "Has _no_ character development."

Tonks frowned. "I suppose it's a more detailed, more dramaticised version of us if you think about it." She said after a moment. Lupin raised an eyebrow and tried to disguise a faint tinge in his cheeks.

"Well, I have the feeling that a story with a healthy, canonly accurate balance between plot and romance and hilarity would take the prize home. Though of course, characters should all act the way they act normally, no freakish switching to dime store romance novels. And of course there's that healthy grip on flaws. Everyone has them, and it absolutely sucks when they don't make themselves obvious occasionally." Sirius said a minute before he leapt upwards and ran into a wall gleefully. Glancing up, he spotted a picture of Harry and Ginny on the wall. "James and Lily!" He cried.

Remus Lupin quickly leapt up himself, seized by the sudden urge to be an emotionally constipated idiot and ran away from Tonks, who promptly fell into a year long bout of depair.

Tonks took her pills.

Sirius got back into reality.

And Remus Lupin suffered immense guilt when he accidentally killed a spider, feeling he was not worthy to walk the floors. He promptly went back to Tonks. Some things never change.

"And yes," Sirius said, settling back into his chair with his trusty juice, scarcely looking ruffled by the strange affair with insanity he had just suffered from. "Everyone has their flaws, including us, kids. They may not make you happy. They certainly don't make _us_ happy. But they sadly do exist. Shall we move on then, and get back to how we really are in the story, with be not conversing with the audience?"

**If you could give the golden trio one piece of advice, what would it be?**

"Who's the golden trio?" Tonks asked, frowning slightly.

Surprise flitted across Lupin's face. "Well. I expect they mean Harry, Ron and Hermione." He said.

"They could mean us marauders." Sirius pointed out.

"There were four of us, Padfoot. Four."

"I pretend one of us doesn't exist within the club, and my advice to us in that time would be to do the same." Sirius responded darkly, his eyes deepening.

"No, no, those are both too obvious." Tonks said. One thin finger was tapping a quick staccato on the table top, her eyes focused almost hungrily on the illuminated screen of the computer.

Lupin sighed, apparently surrendering as Sirius and Tonks fell into outlandish conspiracy theories gleefully.

"Maybe they mean Malfoy, Crabb and Goyal."

"Absolutely not. That one wouldn't be golden."

"Perhaps the founders after Slytherin left?"

"No. Hey, how about you, Charlie and Bill?"

"Nah. Bill was in my general group but we weren't great friends, and Charlie either thought he was too cool or he was just off in the clouds all the time."

"Maybe it's not even someone we know. It could be just some random students, roaming the halls, living a normal life uninterrupted by annual June struggles for life and death."

"Come off it."

Rolling his eyes, Lupin shook his head slightly, putting a calloused finger pad to the corner of his mouth as he stared considerably at the question. "I think that I would just tell them to look after themselves. Not much else I could say, I suppose. And to carry chocolate."

Sirius smiled up at his friend. "All joking aside, I suppose I would tell Harry to think of the cause. And of course to always remember where he comes from, because he's got that one a hell of a lot better then I do."

"I would probably tell them to let me help." Tonks said. The corner of her mouth was pulled into a small half grin, dark eyes twinkling in the dim light of the kitchen. "And if that didn't work, I suppose I'd just tell them that I love them."

Remus laughed shortly, a rare smile spreading across his face and making the constant wrinkles of worry seem almost invisible. "Alright then. I suppose we'd all just say that, if nothing else worked."

"Why am I always the one who brings us to the next question?"

Both turned to Sirius, frowning. "What do you mean?" Tonks asked.

"Well, I always say 'on with the show' or 'lets go to the next question' or something. It's not fair, I'm tired of it." Sirius said simply.

"You do not always say that. And I've never heard you say 'On with the show."

"That's true. I seem to remember doing it quite a lot of times." Remus said simply.

"So it's Tonks's turn."

Tonks' expression seemed to darken, her lips pursing and her dark eyes avoiding anyone's gaze. "Why does it matter?"

Frowning indignantly, Sirius looked oddly at her. "Why shouldn't it? Just say something!"

"Well, now I don't want to." She said.

"Dora, it shouldn't be that much of a problem. Just do it so we can shut him up." Lupin actually raised his voice while glaring over at Sirius for the last few words, as though there was any possibility that Sirius would not hear them.

"It's just, now everyone's expecting me to and there's really no point, I mean, why do we need someone to say 'Well, let's read a new question now,' so it just doesn't-"

"Thanks Tonks. That was all we needed."

"But-!"

Sirius raised a finger to his lips, making a soft hushing noise that positively infuriated Tonks.

**If you suddenly discovered you had a long lost kid, what would you do?**

"There you are!" Sirius cried.

Remus chuckled lightly. "That's what you'd do, just yell 'there you are' and be done with it?"

"No, not that. I'd have a heart attack with that. What I mean is, here are the people that ask inappropriate questions! I was wondering what had happened to them, what with the advice giving and the most important hour and other such non inappropriate things. Though this one is nothing compared to the one with Tonks and me and that muzzle."

Tonks suddenly sat bolt upright in her chair, her eyes wide as her head spun around to face Sirius. "But you're a dog! Sometimes! So they must have meant dog you in a muzzle!" Tonks said gleefully.

"Not necessarily." Sirius responded thoughtfully.

"So yeah, I'd just take him for a walk or something, I suppose." Tonks answered smugly, sitting back down and staring gleefully at the computer. Clearly this particular unanswered question had been bothering her for some time.

"That was quite a few questions ago, Tonks." Remus said kindly, bordering on patronizing just enough to tease her. He was smirking slightly.

Frowning, Tonks squinted up at him. "Well, what would you do if you found out you had a long lost kid then?"

Remus's face paled considerably, and he turned away, his eyes flitting to different points of the room and never settling as he avoided her gaze. "Erm... well, I don't know." He said.

"He's a virgin! Oh Merlin, I knew it!" Sirius cried, swinging the bottle in the air. "This explains _everything!_"

"You know full well I am not a virgin!" Remus shot back. His face was burning slightly now, and he seemed to be struggling to keep his usual composure.

"Come on Remus, chin up! It's just a question. What would you do?" Tonks asked.

He smiled a rather coy smile, eyes flitting to hers for a half second before fixing themselves on the laptop. "Well. I suppose I would find them, see how they were living. If the child was begging in the streets and feeding out of trash bins, I suppose I would take them to someone who would find a good home for them without actually informing them of who I am in their life..."

At this point Tonks looked as thought she seriously wanted to interrupt, a mixture of almost livid anger and indignation crossing her face as she sat up, lips pursed and waiting for him to continue before she let her feelings be known. Sirius merely rolled his eyes and drank down another gulp.

"... and if the child were perfectly happy, well... I wouldn't want to ruin that. I would make sure they were... were _healthy_ though." As Lupin said the word 'healthy' he made a rather vague motion that was either spirit fingers or overly exaggerated quotations.

"What the bloody hell does all that mean?" Tonks's face was splotched with angry red, her dark eyes glinting like bits of broken glass and the ends of her hair even changing to livid scarlet.

To his chagrin, Lupin only slightly drew back. "What are you saying?" He asked in a perfectly composed blank mask and steady voice.

"You know bloody well what I'm saying!"

At the same moment Remus was replying "I'm afraid I don't, that's why I asked, you see." Sirius said in rather vague consideration "You're overusing the word 'bloody' you know."

"That... that bloody _speech_ you gave about your bloody _child_ and how you'd bloody _ignore_ bloody _them_! I mean, what if this kid has been looking his entire life for his father, and you're just going to pretend you don't exist and let him be on his merry way as long as he's _healthy_!" She made an exaggerated imitation of Lupin making exaggerated quotations.

Remus's face hardened, his gaze sharpening. "I did not mean 'healthy' as though insuring that they didn't have the sniffles or a bad tummy ache, I was speaking of something a little more dire, Nymphadora..."

"I know that! It's the werewolf thing, I'm not stupid!"

"... which brings us to the next point. I hardly think a child would feel better knowing what their father was if he was... was like me. Several children get by perfectly fine not knowing who one of their parents are. There was a boy when I taught school, Dean Thomas, and he never knew his father. I hardly think he would have liked to discover that the parent he has built up in his imagination to be a possible hero or undercover spy is actually a poor, jobless werewolf! And making that official, what kind of problems would that bring to the child in the long term? He or she would be branded dangerous by blood even if they didn't inherit the condition, faced with the same problems I am faced with simply because of relations that until I butted in hadn't even been known!"

There was a pause after this. Lupin's fists were in his hair, perspiration standing out on his brow and an almost wild look in his eyes. His breathing slowed gradually, and he turned back to Tonks, looking a little humiliated at the show he was beginning to realize he had put on.

"I... I'm sorry for that, I don't know what came-"

"It's all crap. I mean seriously, this is all just a load of shit from your never-shut-up martyr complex. Really, I bet someday you're going to have a kid, hopefully not long lost, and then you're going to be this spectacular dad because you're so great with kids as it is, and then you'll see and I'll go right up in you're face and yell 'HA!'"

Tonks finished talking, smiling smugly and looking on and Remus as though she had just proved something.

"If I found out I had a long lost kid, I'd probably introduce him to Harry. After yelling 'There you are!'" Sirius interrupted. He was looking on at amusement at the two. "Now, we can get back to the budding relationship between Nymphie and Moony and their brand new sexual tension, but for now, can we please go to the questions? Tonks, what would you do?"

Lupin's face colored almost instantly, his mouth gaping at Sirius who simply smirked at him over the now pink head of the 'Nymphie' in question.

"Don't call me Nymphie, that's awful. And to be honest, I'd probably spend the first few hours being seriously concerned with how I missed that and what happened, and then of course I'd find out about the kid. Alright, let's move on, shall we?"

"You continued it! You said 'let's move on!' Ha! I don't have to do it!"

"Get over it, Sirius."

Writer: Special thanks to southernbelle08, who asked two questions when I asked her to in a review! Everyone read her story Correspondence, which I absolutely loved except for the last chapter but I'm biased because as I've pointed out I find it best to not believe Lupin and Tonks are dead. It just makes me happy. I also apologize if this was more serious then sirius (haha, that pun is sooo old) but despite the insane nonsense of this story premise (a laptop connecting the characters to us materializing after the power of Tonks' extreme boredom cause a self destructing eruption of her wax volcano) this is sometimes a real story, and I do enjoy giving writers advice considering I am much more a fanfiction reader then a fanfiction writer. Also, if you want to have hilarious and shocking answers, ask lots of hilarious and shocking questions! Enter the magical land of the reviewers! And there are 88 people who at least clicked on the second chapter, and 6 who reviewed the entire story. This is making me feel cheap...

angst. Though in a more selfish way then Lupin.

Ok then, well... remember to ask, because Tonks, Sirius and Lupin together have all the answers!

On one final note, sorry if I offended anyone's ideas of the characters with that exagerated thing. Just putting this in because it actually got me a bit upset when I got a mental image of a drunkan Sirius looking up to see Ginny and Harry and going "James and Lily!"

Right...


End file.
